These numbers wouldn't even make sense if you were high...

Yep, it's arguments like this that do the "pro" War on Drugs front no favors. In light of recent developments, for better and worse, on both sides of the issue, you at home knew, just like the idiots cutting the head off a corpse they dug up to use for a bong, eventually we'd get hit with another B.S. study.

This time, the National Institute on Drug Abuse released findings showing that heavy marijuana use can raise levels of certain proteins in a person's blood, which could lead to circulation problems, heart trouble, and possible stroke. According to the research, THC seems to drive overproduction of the protein, which helps metabolize triglycerides.

Okay...so if I got this right, heavy marijuana use can lead to higher triglycerides, so then, if any of the commercials are to be believed, the simple fix is to eat a second big ass bowl of cheerios. That should counteract it. What, don't look at me like that. You knew you were already thinking about that second bowl.

Granted, it all sounds a little silly, but no less silly than the study that kicked all of this off. According to Dr. Jean Lud Cadet and his research team, after tracking 18 "heavy, long-term" users and 24 people who did not smoke marijuana, "chronic marijuana use is not so benign."

And what, pray tell constitutes "heavy" use? How much is too much, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse and the National Institutes of Health? I'm glad you asked. I know you were dying to ask (or struggling to remember) those questions. Seventy-eight to three hundred joints a week. Yep. Read that right. 78 to 350 joints. A week.

What? Seriously, what? I wasn't aware there were 18 people out there with Snoop Dogg's smoke budget willing to help further the cause of science. Glad to see a vaguely ridiculous number gives credibility to this study. Using my best pothead math, the prevailing local market, and consultation from a couple of like-minded individuals, I came up with the following:

Low end
78 joints per week
that's 11 joints a day...impressive by any standards
Okay, so if we go by the low-end numbers here, which are pretty far-fetched on their own, somebody would have to buy 39 dime bags to get 78 joints. Show me the pothead who's walking around with five or six dime bags, planning on telling the arresting officer they are just for personal use, and I'll show you a future punchline on Fark.com. Add it all up, and you're talking around 2 1/2 ounces a week, or in the neighborhood of a quarter-ounce a day.

High end
350 joints per week
50 joints a day? What's the punchline?
That works out to 175 dime bags, or just a dime shy of eleven ounces. In one week.

Are you kidding me? Only our government would try to use these numbers as proof of anything with a straight face. Show me someone with a weed habit running between $400-$1700 a week, and I'll show you someone with a record deal who could care less about their triglycerides. Can't figure out an efficient alternative fuel source (can't even figure out to use our own reserves), Can't figure out a way to fix climate change. Can figure out that smoking a comically improbable amount of marijuana has possible ramifications. Genius. Sheer freaking genius. I mean, smoking fifty cigarettes of anything is bad for you. Of course, if you needed me to tell you that, then you have probably already used this article to roll one up and missed the end.

Thoughts on Episode 49...

First and foremost, it was an utter god damned shame the whole broadcast did not air, or at least has not as of yet aired. We had a great show, and much thanks to our callers from New York City and Louisville, as well as our listeners in Puerto Rico. I couldn't tell you if everybody heard the live run last night, but it didn't seem like we were having any issues. The phones were lively, the chat room had a good flow going, but as it turns out, only seventy minutes or so ended up on the archived version. Argh. Not that it isn't already aggravating enough when Blog Talk Radio suffers the occasional hiccup, and we get cut off for a minute or so here and there. This happens, I get that, but when all systems are go according to the switchboard and we're just tearing up Internet radio land like we do (or try, as it turns out) for two hours every week, and only half makes it through...simply put...fucking argh.

We sent out an email to Blog Talk Radio, and they are looking into the mishap, and hopefully we can figure out what led to the "blackout." Much thanks to the prompt attention Blog Talk Radio showed in responding this afternoon.

Still do not care about China, or their earthquake troubles. Instant karma came right around the corner and got them, and while I doubt seriously that it shook any sense at all into the country, one does hope an aftershock here or there throws a monkey wrench into the Olympic Games. That may be a little harsh, I grant you, but even the severely retarded in the crowd would put their smart money on that hurting China a hell of a lot more than circumstances at present.

Regarding Pope Benedict XVI's recent statement that he worries sex could become like a "drug"- First off, I don't know about Il Papa, but I could use me a new drug...what, nothing?...don't look at me like that, it can't all be A-list stuff here. I would say the Pope's employees need to address some "substance abuse" issues they needs to work out first, before they worry about the rest of the masses. Maybe the Pope will shoot me a text message (great two-thumb typer, the Pontiff...he's also a whoop-ass machine on the Tetris) and let me know just what the hell he's thinking.

Almost too damn cynical at this point to believe there is any hope at all for the American public education system. Not that it was in great shape before No Child Left Behind, and the fact that 75% of the high school graduates getting ready to enter community college read at an 8th grade level, and that some can not even add or subtract only goes to highlight that further. I'm not trying to predict the future or anything, but look for a bump in the military enlistments in the Dallas area in the next few months, followed by the seemingly inevitable troop surge. Give it six months and see if I'm wrong. For once, I hope I am, too.

For the love of humanity, contact your Senator and implore them to not vote in the Prioritizing Resources and Organization for Intellectual Property Act of 2008. If the Senate finishes the work of the House, who passed PRO-IP (H.R. 4279), then the RIAA would gain the authority to start seizing stuff of you wind up on the other side of a downloading lawsuit with them. This act would take an already ludicrous situation and put sucker's odds on it. If your congressman voted this in, contact them and let them know not only that they are a douchebag, but you want to see where they got the tracks on their MP3 player.

If you needed any further proof the Justice system in this country may not be that far behind our education system, look to Ohio, where not only do they not even know how to fire their attorney general, but a judge recently tacked 30 more days on a guy, and fined him $1,500, for sharing a freaking snack cake from a vending machine with another inmate. I'm shocked. I did not realize the obesity problem in this country had gotten to the point where they had started employing mandatory minimum laws. A lot more people apparently need to worry...

Thanks once again for checking us out, and we look forward to catching you all next Wednesday night, May 21, at our new time of 8:00pm Eastern, for our 50th Episode!!!

I would suggest looking to the heavens, but you never know the answer you're gonna get anymore...

Okay...let me see if I got this straight...according to Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the director of the Vatican Observatory, believing in the possibility of extraterrestrial life does not contradict one's faith. Funes also says in a recent interview that the Bible "is not a science book," and that science, especially astronomy, does not contradict religion.

Huh? When the hell did this happen? From most outward appearances, at least in the mainstream, science and religion are presented as the cobra and the mongoose, but now it's all good? I'm sure there's some kind of motive in here somewhere on down the road. Oh...I'm sorry. I guess I should say I believe in the possibility of ulterior motives somewhere in this mess.

What I would like to know is just how arrogant is the Catholic church gonna get? You can believe in alien life forms, but not in condoms? While I'm no doubt sure one could, if they really applied their minds, come up with at least a hundred or so "sci-fi or science geeks not having to worry much about birth control in the first place" punchlines, could someone sit me down, whether from the Vatican Observatory (nothing touchy feely), or NASA, or some other big-time science concern or major organized religion, and explain to me exactly how this is supposed to make sense again?

The winds of change? Try twenty-three bucks and change

This past Sunday was beyond a blustery day in southern Indiana. It was chilly, by May standards, with wind gusts up to forty miles per hour. Little did I know, as I had called off work to watch the Cubs come from behind to get the sweep of the Diamondbacks, and wish my mom a happy Mother's Day, that a fortune and a half whisked past my apartment with an occasional howl.

As reported in yesterday's Wall Street Journal, some highly outrageous numbers have come to light thanks to the United States Energy Information Administration. The independent federal agency (like we are supposed to believe such a thing actually exists anymore, if ever) reports that corporate welfare to energy concerns racked up $16.6 billion of taxpayer money. I seriously doubt this surprises anyone, but that amount is twice that from just eight years ago. Hmmm. What was it that happened eight years ago. Oh, yeah...we got fucked.

Not that it isn't purely outrageous for energy corporations are receiving subsidies or loan guarantees in the first place (tax breaks being the necessary evil they are), but when you see the numbers the EIA came up with:

per kilowatt subsidies
"clean coal" - $29.81
solar energy - $24.34
wind power - $23.37
nuclear power - $1.59
hydroelectric - $0.67
normal coal - $0.44
natural gas - $0.25

What? No, seriously, what the damn? Solar power's getting over twenty-four bucks a kilowatt hour, and normal coal's only getting forty-four cents? I call bullshit. How many people you hear of getting killed producing solar power? No wonder there is no money in mining safety.

$23.37 per kilowatt hour for wind. Wind? Wind. You may now facepalm yourself. Whoever talked our government into cutting that deal deserves a Nobel or something. I figured after bottled water, it wasn't going to be long before some enterprising sorts figured a way to wrangle a buck (or twenty-three) from freakin' air.

Naturally, the Wall Street Journal's piece went on to mention the wind and solar concerns screaming because their subsidies aren't enough. Guess we can't hear all their pissing and whining over all the windmills. Wind and solar power together account for less than one percent of all electricity generated in this country, yet combined they receive nearly fifty bucks a kilowatt hour for all their...ahem, effort? Forget all that mess about walking the way the wind blows...who the hell can afford that?

Talk about a hot action cop (with much apologies to the band)...

Where else but Japan? Somehow, the land of tentacle porn kind of seems like the perfect place for this kind of shit to go down. Hifumi Kubota, a 45-year-old man, was in a Nagoya police station after an argument at his house threatened to turn violent, and he asked for a smoke during the questioning.

Keeping in mind that A) Kubota had doused himself in kerosene at his house upon the cops' arrival and B) the police department's no smoking policy in the police station, an official at the station gave Kubota a pack of cigarettes and a fucking lighter! Least surprising of all in this story was the detail where Kubota went up like a Roman candle, dying the next day from his burns.

The police and Japanese media released reports on this, but a police department yeshole refused to elaborate further.

What the fuck? Why wouldn't the yeshole say anymore, you ask? What else could they possibly have left to say about it at this point? Guy's soaked in fuel, a cop gives him a smoke and a Bic...end of story, pretty damn much. I mean, unless the guy managed to finish the cigarette, there isn't a whole lot of meat left on that bone.

At first glance, I think I reacted like most anyone else would. Hmmm, wonder if the NYPD has thought of this one?

I know you reading this, and you are just dying to facepalm yourself, but really, when you closely examine the incident, you get the best Japanese cop EVER! You gotta admire the diligence of the Japanese police. You have a few unpaid tickets, they clamp a boot on your car. You try to rob a mini-mart or a vending machine full of dirty panties, they karate chop your ass and put you in lock-up. A guy covers himself kerosene, they give him a lighter and wish him luck finishing his Marlboro. They don't have the time to mess around with you...they never can tell when Godzilla is coming back.